“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
You Might Also Like
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
This is me 🤣🤣
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this