If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
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*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.