my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
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“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”