If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
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Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I love it all
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Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
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I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.