We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
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My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.