Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
You Might Also Like
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]