if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
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Mood.. 😂
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought