Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
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*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
handsome & gretel
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.