The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
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Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.