One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
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My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
“How’s your day going?”
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Bond. Trauma bond.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window