Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
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doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised