We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
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[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Sounds like a bargain
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Okey dokey.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing