Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
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Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
This story is comedy gold 😂