Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
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I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.