Nigella has gone too far this time.
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I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.