“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
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Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
when someone compliments me
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!