*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
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Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero