Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
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I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
ok like just. call me at this point
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray