COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
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The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Battery falling down a hole
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.