I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
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Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
My daily affirmation
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.