ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
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Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Oh yeh? Explain this then
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?