Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
You Might Also Like
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.