Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
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I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Erm…
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.