it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
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“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
🐕🍷
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure