The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
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that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.