Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
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David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL