Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
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Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Yes, but it was never about money
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.