[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
You Might Also Like
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
We all have our pet causes.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.