For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
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Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”