Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
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as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger