Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
You Might Also Like
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Speak now or ever hold your peace
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it