OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
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To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
i was baptized in a car wash
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.