Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
You Might Also Like
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good