Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
You Might Also Like
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.