cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.