there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
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look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
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I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
idk what this dog had been going through but same
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.