In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
You Might Also Like
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“We will wed,” I threatened
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen