8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
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WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.