Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
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Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Note to self: always read the final line
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*