3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
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Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
they really do be looking like this
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.