I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
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Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?