*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
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it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.