People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
You Might Also Like
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business