In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
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Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.