I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
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I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that