It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
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if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Beware of fowl play.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?