My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
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Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Every time.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.