Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
You Might Also Like
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Vodka burrito was a success
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about