me talking to family:
βΆπββββββββ 00:02me talking to friends:
βΆ πββββββββ 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix βPopplesβ series & live action Flintstones movies:
βΆ πββββββββ 1:54:28
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You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
If you are reading this then you are reading this
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If itβs not good enough for the main text I donβt need it
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: Iβll just be small and happy.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Everybody thinks βFree Hugsβ signs are cute, unless youβre a boa constrictor.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know whatβs going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.