Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
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i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
handsome & gretel
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
man i love columbo
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
There’s only one good girl here!
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake